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Young Writers Society



Melosica: Chapter 3 part two.

by Reuben A


I recomend that before you read this, read Melosica-Prologue, and Chapter 1,2 and part one of chapter 3.

A cool breeze stirred the long black grass. Only a few years ago this had been a lush Savannah. Francis crept on the ground, fearing to be seen. He had been sent on the same quest as the green sprite had been sent. He looked up to the tops of the grasses, making sure that they didn’t move. He crept further. Ahead of him, he could see another coal black body standing. Francis had made it further than the sprite, and was now in the Fields of Asphodel. This was between the icy Hell, and the luxurious Blest. He crept in a long arc around the poor soul standing there for eternity. He crept on and on and thought: I know that all I need to is-- he was never to finish his thought.

* * *

After fifteen minutes of jogging at a pleasurable pace, Millie was once again out of breath.

“Millie…We’ll never reach Mesolonica before the sun rises if we keep stopping for a rest.” Alan said disapprovingly.

“Well…we…are…almost…half…way.” Millie puffed. She was right. They had moved with surprising speed. Well, much faster than a sedan chair being carried by four slaves.

“Come on!” Alan called out as he set off again. Exhausted, Millie followed.

* * *

Alan stood about two feet from the big shadowy cloud. Millie was next to him.

“Should we go in?” Alan asked.

“We should probably.” Millie replied. With out anyone telling them to, they took each other’s hand, and stepped through.


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Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:56 pm
Lord Anzius wrote a review...



Reuben A wrote:I recomend that before you read this, read Melosica-Prologue, and Chapter 1,2 and part one of chapter 3.


A cool breeze stirred the long black grass. Only a few years ago this had been a lush Savannah. Francis crept on the ground, fearing to be seen. He had been sent on the same quest as the green sprite had been sent. He looked up to the tops of the grasses, making sure that they didn’t move. He crept further. Ahead of him, he could see another coal black body standing. Francis had made it further than the sprite, and was now in the Fields of Asphodel. This was between the icy Hell, and the luxurious Blest. He crept in a long arc around the poor soul standing there for eternity. He crept on and on and thought: I know that all I need to is-- he was never to finish his thought.


AHEM AHEM... HEAR YE HEAR YE...

Reuben... How many characters are you going to kick in?? Your writing about two in the first person and now about one in the third...

Or if not. Then why is this in the middle of a chapter????? :smt069

I will also say that you would have saved points if you would have just combined this with the first part...

Although this time you used more description, your story was this time about over 80 % dialogue.

In any other way it was great work. :smt020

*******************************************************************************************

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE :smt029





Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown